this is the third devlog from a series of posts regarding different topics related to talisman of dawn's process. if you have any questions or suggestions of topics, you can say in the comments! thank you. i hope you enjoy this one too.

WARNING: they'll probaby have spoilers so be aware!!!!!

Being a love interest when you're... not interested in love...

the aro-allo experience, projected expectations and other ramblings...

MY SON... HAVE YOU SEEN MY SON...

i had to leave mudhik's impressions and relationship with shariar for this devlog because it wouldn't fit the other. i think it's fitting to put together both mudhik's expectations over shariar AND shariar's personal experience because they compliment each other...

if you played tod, you know that mudhik LOVES shariar. he loves him SO MUCH. the old man is completely crazy for him. and while that's very cute it can be also problematic. in fact, it's the reason why all the problems in talisman of dawn start to happen.

you already know that mudhik believes religiously in the "alpha male" superiority and in traditional gender roles. while he couldn't be that for his own wife, he believes shariar IS that ideal. shariar is tall, hunky, hardworking and successful. when we was married to abbasa, he took care of her every need as best as he could. while he isn't as confident as an "alpha male" should be, mudhik sees it as humility rather than weakness (unlike shariar's relatives). even the aspect of shariar not being actively looking for a wife most of the time is read by mudhik as "self-sufficiency" as opposed to coldness. mudhik REALLY puts him in a pedestal, idealizing every trait of his.

but the thing is: he's WRONG!!!!! shariar is NOT the ideal mudhik believes in, and he doesn't believe in that ideal either. shariar is just working hard because he wants to be seen as a good ruler. he wants people to like him, to accept him. but the more he works hard for it, the more mudhik pushes his own expectations and demands onto him. because of that shariar feels like he's never good enough -- he can never fulfill mudhik's expectations because he never feels like the "alpha male" the old man keeps talking about. and that's funny and tragic to think about: mudhik thinks he already has everything he needs, so he keeps asking things of him. but in fact shariar needs reassurance, which he never gets as much as he works hard. mudhik thinks of shariar as an idea. shariar is just human.

that gets even worse when you see the khastegari scene. mudhik is not the first one to project expectations over shariar -- in fact, ALL his family members do that. they have been doing that for a LONG time. but instead of thinking of shariar as someone great, they think of him as the WORST. they see his insecurities as FLAWS to point at and all his work as INSUFFICIENT. he has NEVER been a good ruler. he has NEVER been a "real" man. even WORSE of a husband. if anything bad happens to him, that's only fair, since he never did anything right to begin with.

most of it comes from envy. some relatives think they could be doing a better work, given the same role and circunstances (Paniz). some other think they deserve more than what they have (Jamshid). yet anothers think shariar is overrated (Golgun) or just born weak, since he doesn't match the ideal of masculinity (Maryan). most of them are also royalty, so they have this idea that they have authority over shariar, because of money and age. they see him as a failed ideal. shariar, in the end, is just human.

the only person who seem to understand that at first is duna. what? are you surprised? did you think i would say sher? well while she does understand him, most of the time she's also expecting him to be some sort of thing he's not. she braces herself for the moment he'll show his "true" side. that, unlike mudhik and shariar's relatives, doesn't come from idealization or jealousy -- it comes from fear. it's the trauma of her past relationship and it's also her reliance on people's general opinion of shariar. it's the natural behavior of someone that hid their queerness from everyone else for a long time. she believes everyone is "normal" and that she's the only one who's not. she believes that she's alone and it will stay like this forever.

what she doesn't seem to notice is that duna is there. if you didn't know until now, or had an inkling but wasn't sure, i'll confirm to you: duna is a lesbian. she likes girls. she has a crush on a girl that sells bread in the bazaar and draws her as a pari (iranian fairy). i have a concept sketch of duna's and sher's room which she appears as a drawing.

(the drawing in question - and yes it's very recent)

that means. sher was never alone to begin with. i mean, yeah, that's only ONE person in a SEA of "normal" people, and i really don't blame sher for not believing that other queer people existed. like, ngl, that's a very valid feeling. that was how i was, too, for a long time. even now, i still have to "mask" my queerness to some people to protect myself. but hey... we all have some kind of hope, that's what i'm trying to say. it's the little things.

GIVE ME A SEX...... SEC***........

look at this beautiful round and fluffy face. do you think he has ever done anything sexual in his life? be honest.

well you would be surprised to know that he HAS. i mentioned this before somewhere, but shariar is aro-ALLO. he FEELS sexual attraction towards women. and this is a thing i want to talk about (don't worry, we ain't gonna get any freaky here...)

when i was researching for tod, one of the things i researched for was about aro-allos. you see, romantic and sexual behaviour are often related in media and social consciousness. we think it all comes in the same pack. you love someone, you want to have sex with them -- or the opposite: if you have sex with someone, you're bound to fall in love with them. it's actually the plot of MANY romance movies/books: what is supposed to be a fling becomes a love story, what is supposed to be fake dating turns into a real relationship etc... which it's not totally wrong, but if you think like that and i tell you shariar DID have sex with abbasa when they were married, your face will become a big "?" and you'll ask me: isn't he aro?

the thing here is that we think that if someone has sex with another, they'll fall for them. and if someone doesn't, they're heartless -- "how can you have sex with someone and not love them?? what the hell is wrong with you??". 

i ain't here to defend people who manipulate others emotionally and use their bodies to satisfy themselves and abandon them later. that's NOT what this is about (you can see that shariar DEFINITELY isn't that type of person). what i'm trying to tell you is: romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different things, and as much as it can be a surprising thing for you, they can come separately. that is a thing that aces have been trying to say for a long time -- and it's a thing even harder for aros to convey.

my main source of information about aro-allos was this article in Aro Worlds. even to me, an aro-ace, it was very enlightening and clarified a lot of my questions about aro-allos. i recommend it a lot. my favorite part of that article is this one, which i even copied into a .txt file to always be able to check:

<< Isn’t “allo-aro” a fancy way of saying “someone who sleeps around”?

“Allo-aro” describes attraction, not behaviour.

Some allo-aros like sex with many casual partners. Some like sex with one or few committed partners. Some have sex rarely or infrequently. Some have no intention of having sex at all. Some are open to sex but aren’t particularly interested in it.

Western society tends to operate on the assumption that romantic attraction is what holds people back from what it (often arbitrarily) considers “unacceptable” shapes or rates of sexual activity. That, without it, we’re heartless sluts who sleep around and never call back. This is a complete (based in sex negative beliefs) misunderstanding of how sexual and romantic attraction interact. >>

i wrote a note to myself at the end of that .txt file: "show how shariar CARES for others before dropping the bomb of allosexuality" LOLLLLL. here's the bomb then: he FEELS sexual attraction. he is STILL aromantic. and no, he does NOT feel sexual attraction towards sher, not now, not later, not ever. and i'm going to say this because i'm sure your mind may think of it: no, he does not cheat on her nor is interested in having sexual affairs outside their marriage. are we clear? i hope so.

<< Until the world understands that aromanticism exists and isn’t predicated on possessing asexuality, and until there are places other than asexual-adjacent communities offering aromantic information, allo-aros will continue to think that our relationships to romance and romantic attraction are a personal failing. >> (excerpt from Allo-Aro 101, very relatable to our boy...)

NOSTALGIC RELATIONSHIPS...

i think having that in mind helps you understand a little more of shariar/abbasa relationship. shariar WAS attracted to abbasa sexually -- but he also loved her dearly, as a friend. abbasa loved him both ways -- romantically and sexually, and as a normal person in the ancient times, associated romance with sex. shariar could give her a great experience and a long-term partnership, but he would freeze the moment she asked him to act romantically around her. that didn't "make sense" to her -- honestly, who could blame her? i bet it's a strange thing even to us, (probably) queer people who are reading this. even stranger to people who are cishet (like her). (can't say she was right for cheating on him though LMAOOOOOOOO)

i remember when i was playing parfum nostalgique by rosario and one of the things i appreaciated a lot was the portrayal of a sexual relationship that was also a friendship. not a "we have sex casually and we secretly love each other [romantically]", not "we have sex casually and one of them doesn't care and the other cares", or even "i am a broken person that can't love but i have sex with someone that is going to fix me" but REALLY a "we have sex casually and that's about it, we are great friends and one of us even has a crush on someone else (and thats not a problem for any of us)". of course that val being a professional would that be the right term? dom does help with it but in any case i was glad. it feels so natural and it works in such a healthy way that i was surprised (in a very good way). like yesssss that can happen!!!!! it is possible!!!!!! people always assume that sexual-only relationships have to be bad and complicated but if people simply TALKED!!!!!!!!!!!! IF THEY SIMPLY COMMUNICATED WITH ONE ANOTHER!!!!!!! IF THEY WERE OPEN...!!!!! WHAT A COOL WORLD IT WOULD BE!!!!!!!

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EXTRA RAMBLINGS

they aren't really in-theme for the devlog but a devlog with only them would be too small so theyre here...

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WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY
in the first demo of the game, i wrote "societal expectations over men and women" as one of the trigger warnings. if you pay attention to it now, you'll notice that i changed the wording. that is because i cringe at the words "societal expectations". part of me mocks myself saying -- "people expect things from you all the time, you just need to not listen" and as much as i would LOVE for things to be as simple as that, they are not. (i'll still keep the new wording because i think it fits better)

to not listen what others have to say about you, you need to have confidence first. and let's be honest, how many of us grew up in a 100% healthy enviroment with no struggles or people mocking us for being who we are? especially if you're queer. even if you were lucky to avoid being the target, you might have saw someone just like you BEING the target. maybe you even mocked them back then, to cover for yourself. hell, even cishet people are mocked for being who they are by each other. they are the ones that mostly point things out. the most stupid things -- weight, body shape, skin color, eye color, hair, voice, clothing... someone poses smiling -- "why the heck are they smiling so ugly lmaoo". someone wears a dress and snickers -- "that doesnt match, lol fashion police open up". like why the hell does that matter?????????

and as much as in an ideal world comments like this would pass by, in reality, words matter. it's a life of mean commentary. even confident people have their limits. so societal expectations aren't just child's play: they're a real thing! they become a real problem if you think mean comments over your life are valid and should be taken to heart.

however, i think that blaming "society" as this large mass of evil is not proper nor accurate, so that's why i changed it. gender roles are a specific theme in daily social debate, so i guess they fit better. either way, i wanted to talk about this. yeah. WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLAH BLAH BLAH PROPER NAME PLACE NAME BACKSTORY STUFF...

to be honest with you, i don't know how to explain this game to others. i don't know how to explain the story without getting into details. it's a problem of mine with most of my things, and even though i'm learning how to "pitch" them, i still can't do it for talisman of dawn.

once i heard someone tell me that "the best advice comes from people outside your bubble" and to me that was the worst advice ever LMAO. i could see what they meant, but my games are made for SPECIFIC people, with SPECIFIC knowledge about the world. i can't show this game to my mother, for example, because 1. she doesn't know english for starters 2. she wouldn't get the story AT ALL. and that doesn't mean my game is bad, it just means it wasn't made for her.

when i make something, it is to find people that resonate with it. that understands what i'm talking about, without me having to explain the basics to them. if i was supposed to listen to the advice of people that don't get me, i would think that aromantism is being "cold" and asexuality is being "scared". like thanks but no thanks.

so i'll probably find out a way to explain tod's plot without having to go "it's an ace woman that is forced to marry a guy. she doesn't want to sleep with him, but she doesn't know he's aro. she tells stories so he ends up sleeping, because it's based on 1001 arabian nights. but they're in the ancient persian empire." etc. wish me luck.

and that's it for today's devlog! thanks for reading it. take care and see you around!